Heifer Hijinks...more like Humiliation

When I think of going home to visit my family after several months of straight city-life in Norfolk, I get warm tingly feelings and John Denver lyrics start playing in my head.  I love my home in the Shenandoah Valley dearly, but sometimes living in the country leads to unconventional fundraising ideas.

Last night at my brother's high school football game, the announcer kept updating us on how many votes the football coach and the band director had.  What for, might you ask?  Well, apparently anyone could pay a small amount of money to buy a vote for one of a few Spotswood High School faculty members to have to "Kiss the Cow."  I put it in quotes, but it's actually exactly how it sounds.  Who ever had the most votes at the end of the football game had to kiss a cow, named Tammy, on the lips.  It sounded rather ridiculous to me, but eventually I got into it and listened to the tally of votes announced every so often, hoping to see my former band director have to pucker up.  As the game went on though, my frustration with certain members of the coaching staff had me wanting the head coach to have to kiss Tammy.  In the end, we lost the football game and Greg Oaks, the band director won the most votes to "Kiss the Cow."  I suppose it's good it worked out this way, since no coach, competent or not, should have to kiss a cow in public after suffering defeat from his school's biggest rival.

Mr. Oaks and Tammy, post-smooch

While Greg Oaks had to get slimed by Tammy's wet nose, I feel the most sympathy for Tammy the cow.  The second half of this fundraising event was something called "Cow Plop Bingo."  The field was divided into a grid and people could buy spots on the grid for a small price.  After the game, and after having to kiss the band director, Tammy was led out onto the field to walk around until she pooped.  Wherever she pooped would be matched up to a spot on the grid, and the owner of that spot would win $500, with the surrounding spots earning $40 each.

Tammy being led onto the field

I feel sorry for the cow in this situation.  We were told that she had been fed some "special grains" to help make sure she actually pooped on the field during the allotted 30 minutes.

At first she seemed to enjoy herself, running and jumping around

After a bit though, Tammy decided she was ready to exit the field

Finally she just decided to graze on the trampled turf

All the while Tammy was wandering around the football field, the radio announcer from 98 Rock kept mooing over the loud speaker.  It was funny at first because each time she heard him, Tammy would raise her head from the grass she was nibbling and look around with her ears perked up, looking for the source of the call.  But after a while I just felt pity for this poor animal who had been fed some sort of laxative and was now being paraded around in a strange area with loud unfamiliar, and probably scary, noises.  Not to mention she was expected to poop in public; not a small feat for most.